Thailand - Goodbye

Our tour officially finished when the night train arrived in Bangkok, an hour late. My original plan was to spend the morning visiting the Grand Palace and the Reclining Buddha, this would involve leaving my luggage at the train station taking two underground trains and a river bus, then returning the same way to collect my rucksack, the broken wheely bag and the additional meter square pink monstrosity holding the treasured gifts, before taking more underground trains and the airport link. All with very little sleep.

Thailand - Beginning of the End

What better way to end my Thai experience than with a Thai massage on the beach? Booked in for 8am I literally rolled out of bed and promptly lay back down on a lounger. Listening to the breaking waves and chirping birds, watching the crabs darting and dashing across the sand, would have been more relaxing if fingers and elbows weren't pressing and prodding me. Plus the added exhilarating experience of exfoliating sunburnt skin when the sand mixed with the oil.

Thailand - The Island

Woke up finally to a clear sky and blazing sun. Being within a tourist resort also meant we could wear shorts and vests that haven't really been appropriate in the Muslim and Buddhist traditional communities that we have previously visited.

Thailand - Fishing Village

The rain late yesterday threatened to halt our morning plans but it cleared overnight and we met for another pre-breakfast boat ride out on Songkhla lake.

The village where we are staying, Baan Kho Mak, revolves around fishing, so out on the lake we see three more styles of this livelihood in action. The first two involve setting traps. A rectangular three-hooped trap covered in a net sits in the water allowing Crayfish to climb in, but not out. The fisherman checks each trap by standing neck deep in the lake and unending the cage over his boat, he can then open the closed net and release his catch. 

Thailand - Lake Life

Up at 4:30am we watched the sunrise over the lake from the vantage point of a bridge. Being close to the equator the sunrise is surprisingly quick from the first glimmer to full day. The rain stayed away and the clouds were formed in at least five layers creating spots and shafts of light.

Thailand - The Road to Phatthalung

We should have left our resort in the mangroves and gone out on the boats this morning, to experience the fisherman's way of life and look for white shells. But the days of persistent rain had made it too dangerous and the sandbank island on which we would have spent the morning and eaten our picnic lunch had no shelter to offer.

Thailand - Thai Boxing

From my top windowless bunk I didn't see any of the passing landscape but at around 6am, with the arrival of orange juice and morning coffee, our beds were converted back to seats and we watched the muddy rivers flow beneath us and the passing Palm Oil plantations that have replaced a lot of the dense forest towards the end of our journey.

Thailand - Bangkok

All my guide books told me that the King is most revered and one should say complimentary things about His Highness to please the local population. Fortunately before I could spark a conversation about His most endearing qualities we were handed black ribbon badges to show our respect to His recently departed soul. This accounted for the black and white fabric adorning major buildings along my route to the hotel last night. A lucky save.

Thailand - Luggage

As always my packing was done well in advance, and several times over - in my mind. The actual physical packing however, was left to the morning of my departure. I knew exactly what I wanted to take and even knocked up a light-weight sarong the night before departure using some fabric I'd picked up in Borneo. Therefore it was the morning of my departure when I checked the camera, kindly borrowed from my parents. Camera, check; zoom lens, check; Camera charger... missing. A quick phone call identified the missing battery charger as being plugged in at my parents' house, 200miles away.

Ashes

What to do with my husband's Ashes? Not a question one ever wants to deal with.

It was relatively easy with Noel. He was Carlisle through and through, he had owned one home and lived practically next door to the crematorium. I remember walking around the cemetery with his mum and sister and we knew right away the area of woodland that was perfect for him.

With just family and close friends in attendance we scattered his ashes (and sprinkled some whisky) a few weeks after his death. 

Back to Work

Three weeks before José died I took redundancy from my job of five years. The a charity was downsizing and redundancy gave us a chance to spend time together enjoying days out as well as getting to specialist appointments, researching activities José could get involved in and preparing for our house move. After my three months redundancy package expired we would be in our new home and I could (hopefully) find a job closer to home and with some flexibility as circumstances required.

Tired

I'm tired.

I'm tired of coping, of being strong, of being "an inspiration". I'm tired of pain and loneliness. Tired of making decisions alone and putting on a brave face. Tired of an empty house, an empty bed and meals for one.

I'm so emotionally tired my body feels heavy and drags with every step. How can nothingness be so exhausting?

Getting Up

A few people have exclaimed that they don't know how I get up in the morning.

José used to jump out of bed in the morning before his alarm went off. I could do with a little bit of that energy. I'm far more inclined to hit the snooze button, then turn off the alarm and still not manage to swing my legs out from under the duvet. I'll even take a little rest whilst I tunnel under said duvet looking for my bed socks (it's very important to find them before I get up).

What Next?

Probably the most asked question in the weeks following José's death. I think the question was first asked two days after the funeral. "So Katie, What's next?"

I had prepared myself for the emptiness which I remembered following Noel's funeral. For him, 9 years earlier, we had only had a week from death to funeral and that week had been packed full of quick decisions and arrangements. The days were busy with phonecalls and visitors, everyone as shocked and grief stricken as we were. Then we had the funeral and a jolly good send-off.

Holidays

A couple of months after José died I went on holiday to Canada. I didn't want to go, it felt too soon and too far to be leaving him. There's no rational reason for this, José was no longer in this physical reality he exists only in memories and I'd be taking them with me.

Forgetting

I admit it, sometimes I forget that José is dead. I know there are those that will say "I never forget, every minute of every day is tainted with knowing he is dead". I don't mean that some times I leave it all behind and don't think about the loss, that's something that will never leave, but sometimes I forget that José is dead.

I will see, hear or do something and without thinking pick up my phone to text José; or I will hear a car pull up outside the house and I listen instinctively for a key in the lock; or half awake I wriggle across the bed for a cuddle. Some times I forget that José is dead.

But each time I'm left starring at the phone in my hand, that door remains closed, and the bed is cold; then I remember that José is dead.

Family Reunions

Yesterday I said goodbye to my Father-in-law. He was shaken to the core when we lost José, and sadly took the decision to stop some of the medical intervention he himself had been receiving. Being a man with strong faith I hope he has been reunited with his son, in a better world.

Black Matter

People talk about the hole that's left when you lose a loved one.

It's not a hole, a hole suggests a nothingness.  What remains in me is something that contains its own gravity. Something so all encompassing it pulls at everything else, nothing is untouched by this dark matter. It's more a black hole; a heavy, powerful, swirling void that churns away inside trying to destabilise my grasp on life.