Tired

I'm tired.

I'm tired of coping, of being strong, of being "an inspiration". I'm tired of pain and loneliness. Tired of making decisions alone and putting on a brave face. Tired of an empty house, an empty bed and meals for one.

I'm so emotionally tired my body feels heavy and drags with every step. How can nothingness be so exhausting?

This is grief. An utter all consuming sadness that threatens my health. I miss my husband, I miss him with every cell of my body and in every part of my life.

Although I want to curl up and sleep until the emptiness is filled, I know you can't fill a gap with nothing. Instead I make proactive moves to meet up with friends, go for walks, even lace up my trainers and go for a run. I look for the signs that spring is coming soon, bringing with it new promises.

Nothing will replace José, nor make me miss him less - but different stimuli help me remember him in different ways, and helps me to stay on firm ground.

I see the crocuses and remember trying to teach him the names of spring flowers. I struggle to run up a hill and I hear his words of encouragement. I share recollections with friends.

I miss my husband, but I will continue to live for him and remember him well. X