What Next?

Probably the most asked question in the weeks following José's death. I think the question was first asked two days after the funeral. "So Katie, What's next?"

I had prepared myself for the emptiness which I remembered following Noel's funeral. For him, 9 years earlier, we had only had a week from death to funeral and that week had been packed full of quick decisions and arrangements. The days were busy with phonecalls and visitors, everyone as shocked and grief stricken as we were. Then we had the funeral and a jolly good send-off.

The following morning I woke to carnage, more empty beer bottles than the local recycling centre and stragglers still around the smouldering bonfire. I was angry at the lingering guests and took to crushing cans with gusto. But then after the clean up was the never ending emptiness, as everyone returned to their lives people stopped calling or popping around and Noel's family and I were increasingly left alone with our personal grief unable to even offer each other comfort.

So second time around, and with a month to prepare for the funeral, I was ready for the emptiness, emotionally prepared even if I didn't have a plan. But I somehow wasn't prepared for the question "What's next?" as if this was all part of life's plan.

Remember just 14months previously José and I were celebrating our first wedding anniversary. We were congratulating ourselves on our 11month old puppy behaving moderately well at puppy class, and had our Plan A - giving the baby thing ago in our new family home. When boom - that's not what happened next.

José broke his neck, made it through the first critical days, made it through rehab and made it home. Our plan B then was to move to a suitable property for a wheelchair and explore ways of starting a family there. But 5 weeks later José is back in hospital with pneumonia and we almost lost him again. Eventually he made it home and we progressed again with plan B.

But after a dinner of fine wine, steak and chips Plan B came to an abrupt end.

That left me rapidly withdrawing our home from its sale and from the purchase of a bungalow; it left me in a deadly quiet family home with the ghosts of unborn children laughing with carefree parents; and as I had left my job 3 weeks earlier to concentrate on the move and to spend time with José as a wife not as a carer - it also left me with very little to do.

So in that situation when I was asked "What's next?" I honestly had no capacity to consider a plan for the future. My only hope was that tomorrow I'd find the motivation and energy to get up and get dressed.